There was that winter with Jack, in the large apartment, two floors, everything cheap and flimsy, no closets, large kitchen with a grate in the ceiling.
From bed one of us could smell the breakfast the other was making.
The wind made its way through the walls.
I found myself alone in the bed at 3:30 am, often.
We never fought. I hadn't figured out how to.
This would lead to our finish.
She was never home, and I think,
I may have a neediness
that when I am not getting what is essential to me
will make the other
put giving it
off forever.
I let Gretchen into my life.
Jack would have nothing to do with her.
Gretchen was crazy, and my friend, so I thought...
Gretchen was dying, and crazy, and ate nothing
but
diet raspberry ginger ale, and vodka.
I took care of her,
Jack was never home, and Gretchen was easily spooked.
Her brain was fucked from months with out food.
She was twenty-four and I was waiting for her to have a heart attack,
as I leaned over her
as she slept
in her room without a kitchen
in her single bed
and listened to her breath
and smelled the dry lilacs and dust rise from her
in the apartment that had no kitchen, and was always eighty-five degrees.
I was waiting,
as it snowed
listening to talk radio
from the dream machine
she borrowed from me.
Waiting for her to have a heart attack,
waiting for Jack to come come
waiting
waiting for her to have a heart attack,
because it seemed impossible that she could actually walk around.
She never spoke of it as a problem.
That she was bones
and would get crazy angry
because she couldn't understand what was being said to her
the only problem was
she couldn't make a baby for her boyfriend
because functions of the body had been shut down for a while.
I thought it was going to be the only way
she would go to the hospital
if she had a heart attack
as we sat in her car and drank vodka
before she would disappear for days
she made bad things happen to her
sometimes she brought them back for me as well
and Jack was never home
and it snowed
all winter.
19:03 - Sunday, Apr. 28, 2002
16:15 - Sunday, Apr. 28, 2002
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